Some people are born with a natural instinct to fix things. Problems, relationships, systems — if something is broken, the urge to make it right kicks in. That “I have to fix it” trait can be a powerful strength in leadership roles. It builds trust, fosters teamwork, and helps navigate challenges with empathy and balance. When leading a team, it’s a gift. But when caring for a difficult aging parent, that same trait can become a heavy burden.
The Leader Who Could See Both Sides
In leadership, being able to see both sides of a situation is invaluable. It allows for fairness, understanding, and effective problem-solving. During years as a team leader at Nelson, that ability to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the team created harmony and respect. It was a role where the “fix it” mindset thrived — every challenge had a solution, every conflict could be resolved.
But caregiving isn’t leadership. It’s personal, emotional, and often unpredictable. When the person being cared for is a parent with deep-seated emotional wounds or mental health issues, the rules change entirely.
The Mother Who Was Two People
There are two sides to some people, and that duality can be confusing — especially when one side is loving and social, and the other is cold or cruel. In public, my mother could be charming, funny, and full of life. At work, she was the kind of person everyone enjoyed being around. But at home, she was someone else entirely — distant, critical, and often unkind.
As she aged, that contrast became even sharper. Her stories began to twist into fiction, and once she believed something, it became her truth. Confronting her about it only led to anger, verbal abuse, and sometimes physical aggression. It’s heartbreaking to watch a parent slip into a world of their own making, especially when that world rewrites family history.
The Roots of the “Fix It” Trait
That need to fix things didn’t come from nowhere. It started in childhood — working at 11 or 12 years old, learning independence early, and finding love and stability from a kind neighbor rather than at home. That neighbor taught what compassion looked like, what it meant to be cared for, and how love could be shown through simple acts of kindness. Those lessons shaped a lifelong drive to make things better, to create what was missing.
But when faced with a parent who refuses help, denies reality, and lashes out, that drive becomes exhausting. It’s like trying to repair something that doesn’t want to be fixed.
When Caregiving Becomes Survival
Caring for an aging parent with mental health issues can drain even the strongest person. The constant cycle of trying to help, being rejected, and then blamed takes a toll. Doctors may say the parent is “of sound mind,” even when their behavior tells a different story. The guilt of stepping back battles with the need for self-preservation.
There comes a point when the healthiest choice is distance. When the emotional and physical abuse crosses a line, walking away isn’t selfish — it’s survival. It’s acknowledging that love doesn’t mean enduring harm.
Redefining “Doing the Right Thing”
Doing the right thing doesn’t always mean fixing everything. Sometimes it means accepting that not everything can be fixed. It means setting boundaries, protecting mental health, and letting go of the illusion that love can heal someone who doesn’t want to change.
The “fix it” trait is still a strength — but it needs to be redirected. Instead of fixing others, it can be used to rebuild personal peace, to heal old wounds, and to create a life that isn’t defined by someone else’s pain.
Finding Peace in Letting Go
Letting go of the need to fix a parent’s brokenness is one of the hardest lessons a caregiver can learn. But it’s also one of the most freeing. It opens space for healing, for rediscovering self-worth, and for honoring the child who once had to grow up too fast.
Caring for a difficult parent doesn’t always end in reconciliation or understanding. Sometimes it ends in acceptance — and that’s enough. The greatest act of love may not be fixing what’s broken, but choosing to stop breaking yourself in the process.
Places to find help for aging parents.
